My mother-in-law is a monster-in-law
Jun 11, 2009
MOM, Rose is greeting you,†my husband often says, while tapping his mother’s shoulder to remind her of my presence. But I am so used to her coldness. She is never in a hurry to answer when I greet her. I kneel; something I do not even do for my own m
By Vision Reporter
MOM, Rose is greeting you,†my husband often says, while tapping his mother’s shoulder to remind her of my presence. But I am so used to her coldness. She is never in a hurry to answer when I greet her. I kneel; something I do not even do for my own mother.
The first time she ignored me, I thought she had a hearing problem. But I later found out that she dislikes me because I am not of her tribe.
When I met my husband seven years ago, I admired his relationship with his mother. As an aspiring mother, I also looked forward to having one like theirs.
Little did I know that their closeness would become a sore point in our relationship. On some occasions, my husband has accused me of trying to disrupt his relationship with his mother.
My mother-in-law is close to a room-mate. While I do not mind her visiting, she makes it a point to appear impromptu. She takes charge of the home affairs.
Her visits are long — close to six months. Whenever she is around, she decides what food we eat and how I should raise my children.
I have tried instructing the housemaid otherwise, but the old lady is so strong-headed. She, for instance, insists on carrying the youngest of our children on her back most of the day instead of letting him explore his surroundings.
I dread the times she visits. Not being able to communicate frustrates me. We speak through an interpreter given the fact that I am not fluent in her mother tongue.
And what hurts me most is the little things I do behind the scenes, like reminding her son to buy her clothes, which go unnoticed.
My husband never listens to the whole story; whatever his mother says, he takes as the gospel truth. She never smiles when I am around.
Her face beams whenever her son comes home. I am trying not to talk to her about it. She never listens anyway. I try not to get into arguments because the people I have talked to think I am exaggerating my plight.
The mother I miss
I first met my mother-in-law when I was eight months pregnant. She was very receptive to nurturing the relationship. She even sent me herbs to ease childbirth.
When she visited me in the hospital, she had all smiles for her grandson.
We are not so close, but we have a good relationship. It is custom to have get-togethers at my mother-in-law’s house. Initially, I was trying to fit in. I did not know what to say, but followed her cue.
Some years later, I started hosting some of them. I have found solace in her.
Although she is usually the last person I go to when I am having problems with my husband, I trust her judgment. One day I packed my bags to leave her son’s home and one of my sisters called her.
She asked me to leave my bags in the house and go see her. “What is the problem?†she asked, with motherly concern. I shared my woes.
I connected with her, never mind that we come from different tribes. When my husband came home, he was surprised to see her there. She sat through our bickering for hours before retiring to her home.
She followed up with phone calls. “Has he done what he said he would do?†she asked. Before we knew it, my husband and I were on talking terms again. I call her ‘ma’.
She reminds me of my mother who passed away when I was still young. In her, I have found a rock and someone who understands my husband. She means well for us. I am blessed to have a mother-in-law like her.
How to be a great in-law
Your sons and their wives have their own lives. Ask when they are available
Be flexible and adjust to their timetable
Be patient if you experience hostility from your daughter-in-law
Ask before you help with house chores
Accept your daughter-in-law’s generation, culture, nationality, age and mindset
Do not
Give your daughter-in-law advice unless she asks
Comment on your son or daughter-in-law’s parenting and housekeeping skills
Nag or make your son feel guilty
Take control of family holidays
Force your way of doing things on them
Ignore your daughter-in-law
To be a great daughter-in-law
Respect your mother-in-law’s opinions and listen to her
Call her just to check on her
Enlist your husband’s support in standing up for yourself
Stick to your decisions as a wife
Be patient in the face of hostility
Show respect and compassion
Accept that personality conflicts happen
Do not
Expect your mother-in-law and husband to read your mind
Tell her jokes unless they are positive
Let little things bother you
Be afraid to apologise
Expect an apology from your mother-in-law
Be swayed by complaints or nagging
Be overly-sensitive to her.
MOM, Rose is greeting you,†my husband often says, while tapping his mother’s shoulder to remind her of my presence. But I am so used to her coldness. She is never in a hurry to answer when I greet her. I kneel; something I do not even do for my own mother.
The first time she ignored me, I thought she had a hearing problem. But I later found out that she dislikes me because I am not of her tribe.
When I met my husband seven years ago, I admired his relationship with his mother. As an aspiring mother, I also looked forward to having one like theirs.
Little did I know that their closeness would become a sore point in our relationship. On some occasions, my husband has accused me of trying to disrupt his relationship with his mother.
My mother-in-law is close to a room-mate. While I do not mind her visiting, she makes it a point to appear impromptu. She takes charge of the home affairs.
Her visits are long — close to six months. Whenever she is around, she decides what food we eat and how I should raise my children.
I have tried instructing the housemaid otherwise, but the old lady is so strong-headed. She, for instance, insists on carrying the youngest of our children on her back most of the day instead of letting him explore his surroundings.
I dread the times she visits. Not being able to communicate frustrates me. We speak through an interpreter given the fact that I am not fluent in her mother tongue.
And what hurts me most is the little things I do behind the scenes, like reminding her son to buy her clothes, which go unnoticed.
My husband never listens to the whole story; whatever his mother says, he takes as the gospel truth. She never smiles when I am around.
Her face beams whenever her son comes home. I am trying not to talk to her about it. She never listens anyway. I try not to get into arguments because the people I have talked to think I am exaggerating my plight.
The mother I miss
I first met my mother-in-law when I was eight months pregnant. She was very receptive to nurturing the relationship. She even sent me herbs to ease childbirth.
When she visited me in the hospital, she had all smiles for her grandson.
We are not so close, but we have a good relationship. It is custom to have get-togethers at my mother-in-law’s house. Initially, I was trying to fit in. I did not know what to say, but followed her cue.
Some years later, I started hosting some of them. I have found solace in her.
Although she is usually the last person I go to when I am having problems with my husband, I trust her judgment. One day I packed my bags to leave her son’s home and one of my sisters called her.
She asked me to leave my bags in the house and go see her. “What is the problem?†she asked, with motherly concern. I shared my woes.
I connected with her, never mind that we come from different tribes. When my husband came home, he was surprised to see her there. She sat through our bickering for hours before retiring to her home.
She followed up with phone calls. “Has he done what he said he would do?†she asked. Before we knew it, my husband and I were on talking terms again. I call her ‘ma’.
She reminds me of my mother who passed away when I was still young. In her, I have found a rock and someone who understands my husband. She means well for us. I am blessed to have a mother-in-law like her.
How to be a great in-law
Your sons and their wives have their own lives. Ask when they are available
Be flexible and adjust to their timetable
Be patient if you experience hostility from your daughter-in-law
Ask before you help with house chores
Accept your daughter-in-law’s generation, culture, nationality, age and mindset
Do not
Give your daughter-in-law advice unless she asks
Comment on your son or daughter-in-law’s parenting and housekeeping skills
Nag or make your son feel guilty
Take control of family holidays
Force your way of doing things on them
Ignore your daughter-in-law
To be a great daughter-in-law
Respect your mother-in-law’s opinions and listen to her
Call her just to check on her
Enlist your husband’s support in standing up for yourself
Stick to your decisions as a wife
Be patient in the face of hostility
Show respect and compassion
Accept that personality conflicts happen
Do not
Expect your mother-in-law and husband to read your mind
Tell her jokes unless they are positive
Let little things bother you
Be afraid to apologise
Expect an apology from your mother-in-law
Be swayed by complaints or nagging
Be overly-sensitive to her.