You Ask Us

Apr 11, 2008

<b>Dear Aunt,</b><br>I have a girlfriend whom I love so much but recently she confessed to me that she has been cheating on me. There was a guy she was so close to that she would spend nights at his place. She claimed he was just a friend.

Dear Aunt,
I have a girlfriend whom I love so much but recently she confessed to me that she has been cheating on me. There was a guy she was so close to that she would spend nights at his place. She claimed he was just a friend. When I raised concern, she accused me of being possessive. She now says she used to love both us at the same time but that she loved me more than the other guy. She is asking for forgiveness, saying she never thought things would go that far with the other guy. I am confused because a part of me still loves her yet I would like to quit this relationship. It is causing sleepless nights.
SM

Dear S.M,
It hurts to be betrayed by a lady you love. Cheating shakes the relationship to its very foundation. It is difficult to trust your girlfriend after this incident. Did she tell you what tempted her to have an affair with another man? The same problem, unless identified and dealt with, might tempt her into another affair. Forgiveness without identifying the original cause of the problem would not solve the problem. Your decision to continue or quit the relationship depends on your future plans. Do you see a future with her or are you merely passing time? If this relationship matures into marriage, then this problem might haunt the marriage unless it is well resolved. The fact that it is causing you sleepless nights means there is something you still value in the relationship.

Dear Aunt,
I am university student aged 30 and my girlfriend, a working lady, is also 30. We have been in love for three years. From the beginning of the relationship she has been pushing me for a promise to marry her. I used to ignore her but she is getting on my nerves. She now wants me to give her a baby yet I am still a student. We both come from poor family backgrounds. I do not want to have a baby before 2015. One time I threatened to quit the relationship and she was so troubled that she ended up in hospital. I do not think I can marry her and yet I do not want to hurt her. What do I do?
A.K

Dear A.K,
You both seem to have different objectives in this relationship. At 30, your girlfriend might be feeling pressed by the desire to settle down and have children. On the other hand, career is your priority and you feel having a baby might distract you from your dreams. These parallel goals put your relationship at crossroads making it difficult for you decide which path you should take. It seems clear that you have decided to quit but you fear hurting her. Pain is inevitable but both of you can come to terms with it depending on how you handle the breakup. Even when the relationship fails, it is important to consider her as a person of value. Have you considered the time, resources and emotional energy she has invested in this relationship? You need to communicate you feelings without criticising her desire for a baby.

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