How to deal with heartbreaks
Jul 07, 2006
HEARTBREAK! “Anybody with a reason that would make these two people not to be joined in holy matrimony should declare it now or forever hold their peace,†declares the priest.
By Jamesa Wagwau
HEARTBREAK! “Anybody with a reason that would make these two people not to be joined in holy matrimony should declare it now or forever hold their peace,†declares the priest.
Even if that declaration goes unchallenged it might be too early to celebrate. Before your fiancé says ‘I do’, you can never know what the future holds. Whichever form it takes, being turned down by a fiancé at the eleventh hour is a hard blow many people hardly recover from, but life has to continue. Recovery has to be steady, consistent, and positive for you to regain life with self-confidence and trust.
Here is how to go about it:
Face the reality of the loss and allow yourself to grieve over it. After receiving the news, the initial feeling is shock, followed by denial. After this, you may sink into a deep pool of anger that makes you angry at yourself, your partner, your family or even the Church for no apparent reason. These feelings are a healthy way of reacting to the loss of this nature. Family and friends should not overreact in case the person lets anger out on them. He/she is trying to come to terms with the shock of loss and needs your support and acceptance.
It is unhealthy to be withdrawn and pretend nothing has happened. Suppressed emotions are harmful to your health; express your emotions as much as you can. Cry, shout or do anything that would enable you to best express the painful emotions. Talking to somebody you trust or a professional counsellor would also enable you to let out all painful emotions.
Shame: Understand that being dumped does not mean there is something wrong with you. Believe that you are still of value and can be loved by another person. If you do not evaluate your strengths, this experience might hit hard on your identity and lower your self-esteem, making it difficult for you to relate with others. Remember, so many other people have gone through similar experiences. The most important thing is not the event but how you choose to react to it.
Self blame: Holding yourself responsible for what happened would not make things better. Even if you made mistakes in that relationship, forgive yourself and move on. Failing to do so might make you get stuck at the same spot emotionally.
Use your social network: Spending time with friends and family would help you deal with feelings of rejection or loneliness. Friends and relatives should reach out and show how much they care at a time like this. They should not blame him/her for what happened; it would cause more harm than good. In case the person shows signs of depression or extreme withdrawal, seek help from a professional counsellor to help with coping skills.
Forgive and move on: Healing the emotional wounds of heart breaks is a gradual process that cannot be achieved overnight. Forgiving your ex helps you to heal and move on with your life. Hanging on to this pain might not only affect your relationship with others, but have adverse effects on your mental health.
Do not hurry to replace: It is tempting to seek solace in another relationship immediately after this experience. Take sufficient time to grieve over the loss of this relationship before you invest your emotions into another. Rushing into another relationship would make you transfer the pain from the previous relationship to the new one.
Involving yourself in a love relationship is a form of risk. However close you are, you can never fully understand your partner. As you prepare to share your life with another person, it is good to expect the best, but also wise to be prepared for the worst.
The writer is a counsellor.
0772 631032
HEARTBREAK! “Anybody with a reason that would make these two people not to be joined in holy matrimony should declare it now or forever hold their peace,†declares the priest.
Even if that declaration goes unchallenged it might be too early to celebrate. Before your fiancé says ‘I do’, you can never know what the future holds. Whichever form it takes, being turned down by a fiancé at the eleventh hour is a hard blow many people hardly recover from, but life has to continue. Recovery has to be steady, consistent, and positive for you to regain life with self-confidence and trust.
Here is how to go about it:
Shame: Understand that being dumped does not mean there is something wrong with you. Believe that you are still of value and can be loved by another person. If you do not evaluate your strengths, this experience might hit hard on your identity and lower your self-esteem, making it difficult for you to relate with others. Remember, so many other people have gone through similar experiences. The most important thing is not the event but how you choose to react to it.
Involving yourself in a love relationship is a form of risk. However close you are, you can never fully understand your partner. As you prepare to share your life with another person, it is good to expect the best, but also wise to be prepared for the worst.
The writer is a counsellor.
0772 631032