Help! My kid is hot-tempered

Aug 06, 2006

My son aged one and a half years is hot tempered. Whenever he gets angry, he becomes violent, bangs his head on walls, tables and cries for long time. I am too scared and worried he may continue like this till adulthood. I need help.

Dear Jamesa,
My son aged one and a half years is hot tempered. Whenever he gets angry, he becomes violent, bangs his head on walls, tables and cries for long time. I am too scared and worried he may continue like this till adulthood. I need help.
Joseph

Dear Joseph, Your child’s behaviour is a typical case of temper tantrum. Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting items close by. Shocking as this behaviour might appear, it is normal part of development. Tantrums can present an opportunity for you to teach your child skills of managing extreme emotions. The root of tantrums is inability to express emotions constructively. Young as he is, your son is a normal human being and emotions of frustrations or anger are part of being human. He has not yet reached the age at which he can put his feelings in words, but this doesn’t mean he lacks emotions. The only difference between you and your son is that he acts his feelings out while you talk yours out. This explains why tantrums are common between the age of one and three depending on how fast the child develops language skills.
Do all children throw temper tantrums? Children are different in their temperaments and some are more inclined towards tantrums than others. Greenspan Stanley in his book The Challenging Child states that children with high needs, strong wills and who have trouble controlling their emotions are more likely to fall into tantrum. Such children have difficulty achieving a psychological equilibrium- an inner emotional balance that helps people bounce back from life’s setback and regain composure. Even children from the same womb display distinct differences in their temperaments. Martha Welch in How to Eliminate Conflicts, Temper Tantrums and Sibling Rivalry and Raise Happy, Loving, Successful Children, says tantrums come in two flavours: manipulative tantrums and frustration tantrums.
Children use manipulative tantrums to test how far they can stretch parents’ limits while frustration tantrums are used to vent out frustrations when things fail to work out the child’s way. Your son must be using tantrums to vent out emotions that he cannot express in words. Here is how to handle the challenge:
l Words give power over feelings and frustrations. This behaviour will die out as soon as your son acquires sufficient language skills that can enable him put feelings in words.
l Do not punish the child. He may learn to keep frustrations inside and suppression of emotions is very unhealthy.
l Shouting in anger makes things worse. Hold the child until he calms down. An arm of love would assure him that even in anger, you still care. You could also distract his attention to something else.
l When tantrums do not accomplish anything, they are unlikely to continue.
You need to strike a balance between knowing when to stand by and let the child work through the difficulty on his own and when to intervene. You cannot shield your son from life’s frustrations. Train your son to understand that things cannot work in his favour all the times.

jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
0772-631032

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