How about a parliamentary sports policy?

Nov 26, 2004

Ruth Nankabirwa and the childish (her words not mine) Odonga Otto were at it last week. Well, that ended there but this week Otto (and colleagues) was beaten to pulp by gun-totting soldiers who ironically are answerable to Nankabirwa! Mbu during last week’s fight, Ruth had tried to pull Otto down

Ruth Nankabirwa and the childish (her words not mine) Odonga Otto were at it last week. Well, that ended there but this week Otto (and colleagues) was beaten to pulp by gun-totting soldiers who ironically are answerable to Nankabirwa! Mbu during last week’s fight, Ruth had tried to pull Otto down by his pants and the fiery legislator retaliated and then... voila!
I know most of you are baying for Otto’s neck but I beg to differ. What business did Nankabirwa have pulling down Otto by the pants? Couldn’t she, for example, hold him by the collar? By the way, this is the same woman who made our MP parade a wife and kid just to prove a certain point. Now she was here yanking his pants off! Kyokka Nankabirwa, you can dry yourself (weekaza!)
After all these happenings, it’s now evident that our honourable Parliament is in disrepute and MPs need something to keep them busy, lest we are doomed. Apart from sitting there idly the whole day and being paid (sitting allowance) there is nothing else they have to do. Yes, we know some of them cannot debate, to save their lives, which is okay, but how can you tell me a whole Member of Parliament cannot unleash a slap?
We are sick and tired of MPs subjecting us to low budget fights that even kids cannot put up. We need a serious sports policy in the House to train these guys in sports like boxing, karate, kungfu, wrestling and, maybe, athletics. Seriously, I expected Otto to unleash a lethal bitch-slap on the minister but he disappointed me. I can imagine Nakabirwa screaming maaaaaaamieee omusajja anzita!
Dan Kidega is a martial arts luminary; and as a former headboy of Ntare School, he is a good mobiliser and I nominate him to be in charge of the new Parliamentary Sports Policy. MPs need to learn how to slap, they need to put up serious fights instead of subjecting us to amateurish skirmishes!
Oh, how lovely it would be seeing my man Gen. Moses Ali trying out Sumo wrestling! Arrow Boy Mike Mukula trying out Archery and Ken Lukyamuzi doing 100-metre sprints (not in a yam plantation, this time). I would also love to see Nsaba Buturo doing sit-ups (since his name sounds like he has nowhere to sit).
We need boxing lessons for people like Jacob Oulanya, Elly Tumwine, Odonga Otto and Nankabirwa. Otto needs to master the upper-cut, jab and left hook since it is now evident he is prone to being roughed up. Can you imagine he allowed a woman to chide him? As far as I am concerned, Nankabirwa should have been in hospital by now. If you want symptoms to persist, seek Eng. Kazibwe’s advice!
As a concerned Ugandan, I am organising a professional boxing tournament for MPs. The winners will walk away with sh5m! There is abundant talent in the House. Hey, I don’t mean the talent of begging colleagues for ... (okay, even that one!) but the fighting talent. With this boxing tournament, I can guarantee that, for once, some MPs’ mouths will be open (to fix the tooth-guard) and that will be the closest they will have come to saying a sensible word as MPs.
I would, for example, love to pit Jacob Oulanya against Elly Tumwine, Winnie Byanyima against Jim Muhwezi, and a re-match between the ballistic Ruth Nankabirwa and self-defending champion Odonga Otto. This tournament would be an annual occurrence held at the prestigious Mousa Court apartments and sponsored by NRM-Zero (O). Guest of honour would be either Hajji Kigongo or Kags himself (at Diana’s wedding he said he was a Kungfu expert).
The judges would be Hajjati Anifa Kawooya and Mary Mugenyi. Entrance would strictly be by identification; you do not have a Movement curve (the moustache) you do not enter. Entertainment would be by the one and only Kawooya, the guy with a tummy so big that you wonder what his fart sounds like!
The under card fights would have William Pike against court martial boss Elly Tumwine, Conrad Nkutu against the once censored Jim Muhwezi, and Jose Chameleone against Bebe Cool (Bidandi’s son). With this, I believe we shall have some sense in our Parliament. MPs will start discussing more important things, things like “Kazibwe’s PhD thesis on two hot slaps and sh2.5b!” or “why Otto should pay G-tax yet he’s so young”.
As usual I will be watching from a safe distance.
Ends

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