A fresher’s tales of US cultural shock

By Aaron Mushengyezi,
University of Connecticut

So here I am in the US, breathing the same air with Ssalongo George Walker Bush, the President of the world! I hope one day I will meet our man, Bill Clinton, or Collin Powel, and we recap on their last visits to Uganda.
At least I would be talking to people who know how great Uganda is: our success story in the fight against HIV/Aids, our economic miracles, a free press, women emancipation and Universal Primary Education. I mean, I am tired of announcing that I come from Uganda and nobody seems to give a damn. I have to keep adding “East Africa” before these folks can get a vague idea where that is — even when our President was recently here at the White House!
So these people have not even heard about Kibwetere’s Kanungu massacre. Or ebola, not even Kony. Ugandans seem to take more trouble knowing about the whole world, than the ordinary American does. When you ask students here something about their country, they will just shrug and say, “Wha’rever!”
Well, now I do not need to be told those stories we always hear in Kampala, most of them based on Hollywood movies, about the land of the free, and the only super power in the world. I am experiencing everything live in Uncle Sam’s land, and I am already feeling “cool” within a few weeks! So, wazzup meen? You see, I am getting to learn the language of the folks here, although, I still get amused when they tell me I have good pants (meaning my trousers), or when I am told to “have a good one” instead of “good night”!
Connecticut is about two hours away (here, distance is measured in hours and minutes) from New York City, the Big Apple –– the City that never sleeps. I have already been down there and I can tell you New York City is one of the wonders of the world! It is a forest of skyscrapers. It is fascinating to climb the Empire State Building, the tallest in the city, and look down at the magnificent New York skyline.
We also visited Wall Street, Fort Clinton, saw the Statue of Liberty, and went to the Town Hall and other Federal Government buildings. Ground Zero, where the World Trade Centre once stood is horrifying. You do not have to be an American to feel emotional about it, seeing the deep gorge where the magnificent twin towers once stood. Terrorism, is just bad!
Well, New York City has many similarities with our Kampala. The glamour of Manhattan (similar to Kampala’s Nakasero), is juxtaposed with dilapidated buildings in the poor areas of the Bronx (similar to Katwe). Mayor Ssebaana Kizito would have forced these guys to paint them, or closed them long ago. The batembeyi and bayaaye are there, and the taxi drivers of the New York yellow cabs have wasi-wasi, just like our own. Only there are no Kamunyes. And they also have traffic jams like us.
Here at the University of Connecticut (which Americans pronounce “Kannerikat”), or UConn, the honeymoon of orientation parties and fun is now over. Books are now beginning to bite. Like Okwonkwo in Things Fall Apart, I will be exiled here in ‘Mbanta’ for years for having committed the female crime. The crime is: wanting to get the third title: a PHD (Permanent Head Damage). Settling down in a new environment like this – where you talk to machines more than to people. To register here, you do not have to line up at Uganda Commercial Bank, at Senate Building, Faculty, etcetera, as it is at our Makerere; you just go to the computer, click and it’s done.
For a fresher, everything is teasing, but Americans are good and outgoing people, always ready to help. Guys have helped me to “get all set up” as they call it: giving me rides here and there to do shopping, giving me some of the stuff I need to get started, and teaching me how to manipulate these machines. I guess I still need another lecture on the kitchen, though, or else I will set off this fire alarm and the Police Fire van will descend on me in a minute, yelling all over! Which is partly the reason I have successfully avoided the kitchen so far. I know I am losing the battle sooner than later, for I am already fed up with the pilawo that has become my daily bread at the Chinese Restaurant.
The other day, I asked these Chinese what other good food they had and they said I should try a dish called “Pu Pu”! I said Pu-what? When I scanned their menu, another item caught my eye: “Human Beef”! These Chinese also! Anyway, I have to try this pupu thing, whatever it is; I just need a change.
In America, everything here is so big: big burgers, big guys, big cars, big roads and fly-overs everywhere. And they drive on the “wrong” side of the road, too. Nobody seems to fuss about their weight like the Britons or our Makerere girls do. In class, guys here dress in any way they want in class. Torn jeans are the in-thing, and skimpy skirts. Then we have kundi-show adorned with rings! That’s the way to be “cool.” The campus is now “Thyland” with ladies exposing as much as possible to the sun to get a dark-tan, while my Ugandan sisters back home are busy bleaching themselves to be white. Guys just kiss everywhere, even in church when the pastor is preaching. I think we badly need sengas exported here, under AGOA.
Lectures are fun. Professors give us a 15-minute break and also carry eats for us to enjoy in class! Here, we address them informally. We say “Hi, Bob!” or “Hi, Maggie!” But for me, I still cannot find the mouth with which to be so disrespectful. I insist on calling them “Professor Gundi” until they object.
Like in Lumumba at Makerere where we were called elephants, here at UConn, we are called “UConn Huskies” (bull-dogs). We have a big statue of a dog on campus. When we have basketball or soccer matches with other universities, the song you will hear blaring all over campus is: “Who let the Dogs out...!” The other day, one of my course-mates studying Gay and Lesbian for his PhD, shocked me when he said all students here drive, and that I looked “abnormal” hoofing down the street. (If you bring folks from this place to Kampala, I swear they will all get run over by Kamunyes in a day.
I have never seen a place like this where pedestrians have a right of way). Boys load their cars with 1,000Watt bass speakers and you would think it is a mobile disco. Here, car number plates for each state are inscribed with the state motto. Connecticuts’ motto is: “Constitution State” because I hear this is where some folks hid the American Constitution from the British colonialists during the struggle for independence. Massachusetts is “The Spirit of America” while New York is the “Empire State.” But New Hampshire’s is fun: “Live Free or Die”! How about inscribing “For God and My Country” on ours?
The following day, we bumped into a big and colourful party at the public Square. The flag was flying high, with colours of the rainbow. “That’s Rainbow,” our American friend told us; “it’s a gay festival!” Explosive passion was all over between the gay couples – kissing, touching and hugging. And for a moment I wondered: if this was happening at our Constitutional Square right in front of CPS, what would Maj. Gen. Katumba Wamala’s boys do? I guess the anti-riot squad, which recently got new equipment, would have a real job on their hands. But this is America: the land of tolerance.
The African community is quite small here, but as usual you cannot miss Nigerians and Ghanaians in a crowd. They are the most noisy and flamboyant lot. There is this Nigerian fellow who amused us the other day. He said: “You know dere are only t’ree contriz in Africa.” “And what are the three counties?” we asked him. “Nigeria, Ghona and Odheez (Others)!” I’ve met several Ugandans so I am now at home, and we speak Luganda.
Churches are many here and are so aggressive for souls. As always, the Catholic and Anglican chapels are as it is at Makerere — faithfully next to each other on campus. St. Mark’s Chapel is the place to go when you miss our usual Anglican ebyaffe of “stand up, sit down, kneel...” In another church I attended, they give you all free bread after service. That’s a good one I am considering sticking to! In others, you’ll be sure to find free coffee, tea and eats. Then you will be bombarded by constant e-mails inviting you to free dinners, picnics, white-water rafting, and etcetera.
I think Uncle Ben and Fr. Kanyike could learn a few strategies here to woo prodigal sons and daughters at Makerere back to the flock of Jesus.
Anyway, I have to dash to the Chinese joint for some Pupu and Human beef for my supper!