Career guidance ... of some sort

By Brian Abong
I was thinking of typing something serious for like once in my life. So it dawned on me that I could offer some career guidance to the masses. You know how it has always been said, Ugandan students never really get enough of it, so here I go. Career guidance for all you kasta, its even Vac time and all. Here we go . . .

Doctor: Did you own pets as a kid? Did the visits to the clinic leave the nurses all waiting for your next visit because you were charming and brave? If your answer is yes, to any of these, then no, you shouldn’t be a doctor.

Doctors are meant to be mean people who enjoy causing pain to people by injecting them yet a simple ointment could have served the same purpose. You also have to be hungry for money; enforcing a strict consultation-first policy even though all I came to do was get Vitamin C.

Lawyer: I hear they call themselves the profession of the learned. So let’s start there. What did you learn last term and how much of it do you remember? Do you read a lot, and I don’t mean the menu or billboards. I mean books that rival the Bible in size and probably knowledge too. Gene, you have to read a lot of stuff and know how to argue a lot.  One sure way to find out is, have you ever talked yourself out of a punishment?

Banker: Firstly, I don’t encourage anyone to be one. You work longer hours than long distance truck drivers and still get paid less than them, although after about eight years of being a teller, you may get promoted and start eating things. Kati, there is also this misconception that bankers need to know maths, not really. As long as you complete your accounting course, the rest is left to calculators and money counters.

What am I trying to say? Whoever you are, you can be a banker some day. It used to be only cute people, but of late when I am at the counter, I can’t wait to leave. Just make sure you develop a liking for coffee. Rebel: Let me clarify that I am not trying to start an insurgency. I love Uganda. But to be a rebel is the easiest thing and all you need is to look at your past. Were you the rebel at home? Yes? There you go commander of UMEME Liberation Front.

Celebrity: Here I know enough tips, being a celeb myself. If you’re in doubt, how many of you know my name yet I have never heard of any of you? So, firstly you need to have something that most people don’t (for example a talent or big hips) or be really rich or if all those fail, just show up at all big events and look for cameras. Celebrity status, contrary to popular belief, can be achieved overnight.

How many of you knew Gaetano, before Big Brother, he was buying rolex from the stand next to my chapatti guy, but nowadays he denies that chapu guy mob, only purchasing at midnight.

Teacher: You are the person people always come to for discussions; you love class more than the DH or canteen. Yes, you can be a pretty fine teacher. Bear in mind asthma isn’t a good thing for teachers, all that chalk is suicide. It also helps if you were in positions of power while in school so that you are well-versed with handing out punishments like a heartless individual. Now, go and make something of yourselves.