Parenting: Letting go is just part of life

Apr 22, 2016

See? I told you. It is hard. It is unpleasant even. A certain grief accompanies this realisation. Yet truth is, whichever stage your child gets to causes her to take a step farther away from you till, eventually, she is only an occasional visitor in your house and, sometimes, your life.

 
Bob G. Kisiki, a parenting expert

It is a fact we would rather not take in, but in reality, children are born to move away from us.

See? I told you. It is hard. It is unpleasant even. A certain grief accompanies this realisation. Yet truth is, whichever stage your child gets to causes her to take a step farther away from you till, eventually, she is only an occasional visitor in your house and, sometimes, your life.

Some of this moving away is physical and geographical, but some of it is intrinsic - drifting away in attitude; in character. Not that they become bad, but that they just become people you can no longer hold by the hand and lead this and that way. They become a tad more independent, which tells you: I am okay daddy; you don't need to chaperon me all day, every day.

A friend told me recently how it was when he and his wife took their first born daughter to school.

Usually, little children scream and plant their tiny feet so firmly on the ground, no crane would be able to move them away from their parents to their first classroom in life. Not so for this couple's daughter. After they left the Principal's office and were assigned a teacher to show them to Baby Class, the little girl practically pranced away, without stopping to give them her favourite pecks, and went into her classroom. This time it was the mother who needed holding and comforting, for she broke down - right there on the kindergarten campus.

For some, they have been with their pre-teen children all along, because it is their policy to never take children to boarding school in primary. Now primary education has come to an end and, come February, their little son will go to boarding school.

The thought of it denies them an appetite for the best food. Not that they think their little darling will die, but the idea of not knowing what is going on - which company the boy is keeping; will he remember to pray? How is the food? Will he put the family to disrepute by his conduct? The thoughts are various, yet Time will not stop till all answers have been found. Children ultimately move on. They go to boarding school. They change to a more distant school, where you can't just drop in on your way from work. They get their own house. They marry. They go abroad.

This is okay, because this spells buying fewer groceries, less noise around the house, no more conflict resolution battles... Yet this is the time you will catch yourself going to the supermarket, getting a trolley and then pushing it around the isles with nothing in it. You will drive out of home, park someplace on the roadside and just play music, fleeing your own fears that are seated right there with you in the car. You will call your friend Glendah and just tell her to talk to you, regardless of what she says.

To avoid this, use the lead-up-to time to prepare both yourself and the child for the separation. Do things together. Talk much. Not just about what the child should or should not do, but generally. About life; about your friendship. Get accustomed to the idea that s/he will be away from home effective beginning of term or her wedding date or his flight to Iceland.

If the child is big enough to have a phone, use it - not to deny them me-time and disrupt their studies or marriage, but to keep in touch. To bridge the gap. This is not the communication age for nothing; use it. With Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram and all these other applications, there's no limit to how you can keep the child who is away in your presence.

This might sound funny or even gross, but take care not to just let the child go without a reaction. Nobody wants to know (or think) that their departure means nothing to those they love. That sadness makes them feel loved. I am not talking about synthetic grief, but don't feel ashamed of your tears. Don't hold them till the school van has pulled away or till she has walked down the corridor at check-in. It is okay for the both of you. Cry away.

 

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