You have been wifed!

By Angela Ndagano

Congratulations, you’re in love, the sex is great, and you are having the time of your life. Well, that is what you believe. In other news, your relatives and friends are seeking the intervention of pastors, priests, sangomas, medicine men and exorcists.

This is because everyone except you realizes you have surrendered the sacred gift of freewill to the wife or girlfriend. Wake up and read the signs. You’ve been wifed.

You call her mummy

“Mummy, for me Mummy I was saying.’’ ‘’Mummy, can I please go and watch Football?, Mummy, you are smart.’’ Listen! It is not right to refer to someone you are having sex with as mummy. It is plain wrong! It sounds sick but you do not know that because you’ve been wifed.

Gate pass

Does every night out with the boys feel like you are a teenager who has escaped from school? Going for a beer requires permission, so does every other trivial outing. If you pop into a bar for a quick one without permission, there will definitely be harassment at home. ­

The harassment will be followed by a sex ban—that is if she lets you into her house. Her Friends are your only friends. Your friends don’t even bother calling you anymore because they know you’ll be kept under lock and key all weekend. So, most of your free time is spent with your woman’s friends. It gets worse; she only lets you spend time with her unattractive friends.

From 24(TV series) to Choti Bahu

Do you remember the times you enjoyed macho series and movies? ­ Those were the good times, weren’t they? But lately, Television time is dominated by Choti Bahu and other cheesy Latino soaps. When she is not at home, you still have to watch and give an update when your lover comes home. It doesn’t matter if you enjoy them, it is not right.

You spend hours in the salon

One of the splendors of being a man is the fact that you don’t have to spend hours in the salon. But, a man who has been ‘wifed’ spends hours in the salon waiting for his woman to get done with her beauty treatments.

The relatives

Your wife always complains when your relatives come over and yet her entire clan and well-wishers live in your home. Even the gateman and house-help are her relatives. Don’t be surprised if the guy who sells Newspapers outside your home is her relative.

The chicken-neck

­This is self-explanatory. You are the man of the home. You deserve a respectable piece of chicken. Be a man and stop accepting the chicken-neck.