What's in a name? A lot, if you're Ugandan
Oct 24, 2012
You can always trust Ugandans to do things differently, why should they do it the simple way if there is another, more complex way of doing it?
By Kalungi Kabuye
You can always trust Ugandans to do things differently, why should they do it the simple way if there is another, more complex way of doing it?
Take names, for example, that should be simple and straight forward – you’re born and given a name, and that will be your identity for the rest of your natural life. But not if you’re Ugandan, no sir.
Do you remember the late DJ Ronnie of Capital Radio? He was a good friend of mine, so I always used to tease about his name. You see, he would always introduce himself as “… my name is DJ Ronnie.”
And that would start us off, how can his name be ‘DJ Ronnie’? He was a DJ, yes, and a radio presenter, but that was his job, not his name.
What if he had changed jobs, would he have introduced himself as “… my name is news reader Ronnie?” Or maybe “… my name is floor-cleaner Ronnie?” Or if things had gone really bad, would he say “my name is tea-boy Ronnie?” But he would just smile and introduce himself as ‘my name is DJ Ronnie’ to the next guy.
Ugandans seem to have this love for titles that at times borders on the insane. Any gathering of two or three or more Ugandans will have introductions of ‘Engineer Tom’, or ‘Doctor Bill,’ or ‘Teacher Musoke’, or even ‘Accountant John.’
But nobody does it like our top-salary-earners-but-always-complaining-for-more Members of our Parliament. They just love being called ‘Honourable,’ and if you don’t do so, they will say it themselves: “… my name is Honourable so and so from upcountry.”
This is so unlike the UK, where our political system has its origins. There the word Honourable is only used within the precincts of Parliament, but since they are representatives of the people (our own ‘Honourables’ would be good to remember that), the initials MP are added after their name. Thus Proscovia Elangot, MP. That would sound cool, no? No, not to our MPs.
But let us help these MPs, and really describe them. They want titles, right? We got titles for them that describe what they really do.
How about if one of those ‘Honourable’ Members introduced themselves as “… my name is Honourable-I-always-sleep-in-Parliament-and-never-say-a-word so and so?”
Or “… my name is Honourable-just-got-a-car-loan-and-I-don’t-want-to-pay-tax-on-it so and so?” Or possibly “… my name is Honourable-I-always-park-on-the-pavement-but-I-don’t-care-because-I’m-MP so and so”.
And of course “… my name is Honourable The-Man-but-if-police-come-I’ll-dive-into-a-yam-plantation Lukyamuzi.”
Would Erias Lukwago introduce himself as “… my name is Kampala Lord Mayor-hate-being-ceremonial Lukwago?”
What about “… my name is Central Division Mayor-don’t-mess-with-my-wife-or-I’ll-punch-you Nyakaana?”
But why should the politicians have all the fun? Seems all Ugandans really play that title-in-the-name thingy, like a certain lady at an upcountry seminar who was reported by the media as introducing herself as “My name is second-wife-to-the deputy-Assistant-of the Personal-Assistant-to-the-Assistant-Minister-of-Health.” Did that really happen? No idea but given Ugandans love for titles, you cannot rule it out.
Public officials just love titles, so we could have “… my name is ex-NFA Executive Director my-wife-stole-sh900m-from-me-now-I’m-in-trouble-Akankwasa.” And “… my name is ex-PS-I-paid-sh5b-for-bicycles-that-never-came-now-I-have-to-answer-for-it-Muhanguzi.”
What about maybe some corrupt official in KCCA? He would be “… my name is give-away-all-the-wetlands-like-I-don’t-care-Ben;” or “my-name-is-I-will-sign-your-building-plans-even-if-you-don’t-have-any Geoffrey.”
Let us move to a different social strata, and we would have “… my name is boda-boda-rider-will-put-you-under-the-first-truck-I-see Ronald.” Or “… my name is taxi-conductor-but-haven’t-bathed-in-two-weeks Shaban.”
We will also have “… my name is I-missed-the-penalty-that-would-have-sent-Uganda-into-the-AFCON Mwesigwa.”
“… my name is soccer-player-but-i-dissed-the-coach-so-I-no-longer-play Obua.”
Or “… my name is FUFA President-and-I-wont-resign-so-do-what-you-want-you-bed-bugs-and-night-dancers Mulindwa.”
Everybody would have a title, including “… my name is I-used-to-give-out-blank-cheques-and-show-fake-dollars-to-sportswriters-who-believed-but-now-I’m-broke-and-in-prison Ezra.”
In the inspiring spirit of those Honourable MPs, we will have “… my name is I-got-an-iron-bar-so-don’t-mess-with-me-just-give-up-your-money Senkubuge.”
And “… my name is I’m-going-mess-up-your-face-if-you-don’t-leave-my-man Nakaweesi.”
In that same tradition we will have”… my name is I-drive--an-Ipsum-and-will-not-obey-any-traffic-laws George.’
And also “… my name is cab-driver-but-will-not-drive-in-the-rain-so-find-your-own-way-home Baker.”
What would we do without titles? Try “… my name is campuser-will-do-anything-if-you-buy-me-Nile Special-beer Monica.”
Or “… my name is Speke Road-worker-don’t-waste-time-buying-beer-let’s-just-go-Nancy.”
Let us try a different group, where we will have “… my name is stand-up-comedian-even-if-you-think-I’m-not-funny-but-I’ve-been-to-outside-countries-of-Nairobi Jones”.
Or “… my name is I’ve-been-upcoming-musician-for-ten-years-still-waiting-for-my-first-hit Tigan.” And “… my name is I’m-tired-of-flopping-concerts-so-I’ve-quit-music-promotions Balaam.”
And signing off will be “… my name is I-just-write-don’t-shoot-me-Kalungi.”