Relationships- How much space do you need?

Jun 25, 2009

I need space,” many couples have at one time told each other when they feel ‘suffocated’ in a relationship. This is probably the reason our forefathers reserved their own bedrooms, only allowing in one woman at a time for conjugal rights.<br>

By Irene Nabusoba

I need space,” many couples have at one time told each other when they feel ‘suffocated’ in a relationship. This is probably the reason our forefathers reserved their own bedrooms, only allowing in one woman at a time for conjugal rights.

“You need individual space,” Ibulaimu Mukholi, an 87-year-old mzee says. “A man needs space, where he can have his time to relax and plan for the family. I had three wives, but I had my own bedroom where I kept my personal documents like land titles.

That meant by the time any of my women came into the room, they had truly missed me.”

And the women had more than their fair share of girl-time. “They occasionally met at the well to gossip,” says 62-year-old Mukasa.

Their longest ‘me time’, however, was when they went visiting their parents. “They would be gone for about a week and return loaded with food.”

Today the practice is dead. That much time apart for some married couples would mean separation. But is the concept of space in a relationship still valid?

“That is ridiculous, the whole concept of marriage is to become one,” says Michael, a choir member in a Kampala church.

“For you to accept that union, you should be willing to give up your personal space and share it with me. No secrets. No separate beds, wardrobes or accounts.

Remember, my family is your family, so are our friends. Why would you create boundaries?” he asks.

But Raphael, a banker in Mityana district, says: “Although marriage is supposed to be the union of two souls into a new creation before God, both parties need space to retain their individuality.

Why should you check my phone or why should I check your bag? I have my drawer where I keep my things, it is my space. If you trust me to be your husband, give me some room and I will respect your space.”

He says phones have caused many marriages to break up because of couples not respecting individual space. “You can’t stop the messages from coming in.

You may actually be innocent or simply flirting, but because your partner is nosy, it creates cracks in your relationship,” he says.

Marjorie, a promotions manager with a firm in Kampala, says physical personal space works for her: “I have my wardrobe and he has his own, where he can throw his jeans and socks upside down.”

What the psychologists say
Annet Kagimu, a counsellor in Kampala, says even the most intimate couples need space. “Before you started dating or got married, you were individuals with your own families, friends, talents and hobbies.

You fell for each other because of what you had in common and the strengths you each had over the other. Marriage does not mean these individual aspects dissolve,” Kagimu says.

She says it is not healthy to lose one’s identity in a relationship, because if it were to end, neither party would know how to go on without the other.

Unfortunately, once some people get married, they throw away their friends, alienate family, abandon sports, and live for their partners.

Kagimu says space extends to privacy: “If your partner’s relatives visit to discuss family issues, it would be sensitive of you to give them space.”

According to www.helium.com, a lifestyle website, time apart in a relationship is essential to adding the spark by way of bringing something new.

“Each couple must find how much time they are comfortable with being apart,” it says. “No person can complete you; however, they can complement your goals, dreams and aspirations through being a functional support system in your life.

When do you need personal space and how much?
Unfortunately, many couples demand space when the relationship is suffocating.
“You do not have to ask for space when a relationship is crumbling as an excuse to get away.

It is an issue of integrity and being accountable to each other not using it to build a wall against me,” says Moreen Mwisho, a counsellor.
She advises that couples respect their space right from the time they are courting.

Dealing with bottlenecks
Joshua Musalo, a counsellor at Uganda Christian University Mukono, says whereas individual space in a relationship is okay, it depends on the level of trust that you have built with your spouse.

Musalo warns against abusing personal space and cautions that unless one is consistent, predictable and keeps communication lines open, ill-intentioned people can easily take advantage of this personal space to disorganise a relationship.

Whichever way you look at it, personal space in a relationship is necessary.

Best put in the words of Lebanese poet and philosopher Khalil Gibran, “Stand together, yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart.”

BENEFITS
Time for self-realisation
Quiet moments to exchange thoughts with yourself
Time to re-energise, regroup and reconnect

Recommendations when discussing your need
Define what type of space you need and be honest. This includes creative, quiet, working, emotional, fun, or even financial space. It is not only about physical privacy.

Do not wait until you are feeling suffocated or trapped in your relationship to ask for space

Accept that needing space in a relationship is okay. It does not mean that your relationship is in trouble

Let your partner know that you are still committed to them and that your needing space or away time does not diminish your love or desire for your mate

If your partner is asking for some space, do not take it personally

Do not measure or judge your relationship by the way other couples live. Do what is best for both of you

How to give one another space
If the need requires physical space such as a corner of a room, a desk, a chair, etc, then work together to create this physical space

If the space needed is emotional, then do not chatter on when your mate is reading a book, or has asked for a quiet evening

If the space desired is away space, make plans for this in your budget and calendar planning

Financial space can be created by having separate checking accounts for agreed-upon monthly allowances

Give one another a day off several times a month and schedule it on your family calendar. This means that the spouse with the day off is free from responsibilities concerning the children and house.

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