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If you were Lokodo for a day, what would you do?

By Kalungi Kabuye

Added 3rd July 2015 02:50 PM

If, at the end of the year like always happens, prizes would be given to the most talked about cabinet minister, Father Simon Lokodo, the state minister for ethics and integrity, would take the prize hands down. Except, I have just been informed that

If, at the end of the year like always happens, prizes would be given to the most talked about cabinet minister, Father Simon Lokodo, the state minister for ethics and integrity, would take the prize hands down. Except, I have just been informed that

By Kalungi Kabuye

If, at the end of the year like always happens, prizes would be given to the most talked about cabinet minister, Father Simon Lokodo, the state minister for ethics and integrity, would take the prize hands down. Except, I have just been informed that he actually does not sit in Cabinet, and only goes there when he is summoned. 
 
But it does not really matter, suffice it to say that three times out of five, when two or three Ugandans are gathered together, the good Father (some unkind people say he was ex-communicated so he is no longer a ‘Father’) comes up for lively debate for something he has said or done.
 
That got me thinking: What kind of life does the state minister lead? What is he really thinking about all the time? What makes him say or do what he does? It had me intrigued. Maybe I should step into the minister’s shoes for a day. What would I do?
 
My friends laughed when I wondered what Father Lokodo thinks about all the time. ‘That’s an easy one,” they chorused, “it’s sex. He thinks about sex all the time.”
 
To be fair to the Dodoth West County MP, it is not having sex that he thinks about all the time; it is stopping people from having sex. That is his life work. Anything that can remotely be seen as encouraging people to think about having sex is immoral, and should not be allowed to happen.
 
If you notice, Lokodo’s justification for all his pronouncements is that the action is ‘immoral’. He never talks about whether it is against particular ethics or that it might compromise someone’s integrity. No, he insists it is immoral and so it is illegal.
 
No matter that nowhere in the laws of Uganda is immorality described as a criminal offence. But back to my day as Father Lokodo, state minister for ethics and integrity. First thing I would do is to stop thinking about sex. If Lokodo did that, the picture of musician Desire Luzinda in tight jeans would be just another picture, albeit with more curves than usual. It would also stop his imagination from running wild every time he goes into Parliament’s bathrooms and sees condoms there. It would also help him concentrate on his shopping in supermarkets.
 
If he stopped thinking about sex for once, the good Father would actually be more effective in seeing that the law is enforced. And if rumours of the latest sex tape were to hit social media, the state minister would not try to find out who was in that tape and what they did with whom with the view of prosecuting them. He would instead go after the people who published such stories, because they obviously watched the tape and are telling people about them. That is spreading pornography in any dictionary in the land.
 
If I was the good Father for a day, I would enforce laws against indecent dressing. That includes anybody showing their underwear in public. First up would be that musician guy that showed the Kabaka his underwear at the palace; such sacrilege! Then I would go to all the malls and sweep all those teenagers and adult musicians who have a fetish for showing their underwear to the whole world.
 
I would then issue a decree banning the African female form. Any female walking around with such prominent features as large behinds, wide hips and big chests would be arrested. But wait a minute, if he thought of large butts and wide hips he would be thinking about sex. So our last advice for the good Father (even though he is not really a Father anymore) would be: Stop thinking about sex!

If, at the end of the year like always happens, prizes would be given to the most talked about cabinet minister, Father Simon Lokodo, the state minister for ethics and integrity, would take the prize hands down. Except, I have just been informed that

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