By Solomon Muleyi
As many people are grappling with better ways to enhance their beauty, two men are proud to be the ugliest men in the country, Uganda, that is.
They are fronting their body features to justify who has an edge over the other and incase, a competition was held over who is the ugliest in Uganda, who would take the trophy home.
We live in a crazy world, I know. With such outrageously vexing individuals we can’t afford to shun because, heck, we love them. For the intrigue they strike when they open their mouths to spew whatever locutions their minds harbour.
Senyonja John alias “Mayor wa baabi” (translated as mayor of the ugly) and Godfrey Baguma alias “General wa baabi” (the general of the ugly) are the bozos dragging this bizarre reeking boat.
They carry with themselves a horde of reasons as to why, in their opinion, they are uglier than the other.
We are lost for decision but to compare and find out which of them is the ugliest because well, they threw darts at it and failed to nail it when they were featured on Bukedde TV’s show “Ani asinga” (who is the best).
They failed to come up with a winner yet in every competition, there has to be a victor to spit in the loser’s face.
In this case, the cuter one’s face.
Both are victims of short men syndrome so we won’t delve into the height matters. At least not when all are about, what, 3ft? The equivalent of a 10-year old kid by the way.
Their facial appeals however tell a totally contradicting story.
A story we have only come close to hearing or seeing in horror movies or the night mares we have of zombies chasing us in pursuit of our souls whenever we watch Michel Jackson’s thriller video.
Yes, if you hadn’t noticed, this might sound a tad like a horror movie so put your fright-control garbs on already!
Senyonja John alias “Mayor wa baabi” and his fiancé
Mayor wa baabi
Anyways, Senyonja John claims his favourite facial feature is his cheek. He is outrageously chubby, this one, but only on one side.
John’s cheek looks like he got into a fight with Golola Moses (you’ve heard of that chap right? The mortar mouthed comedian who masquerades as a kick boxer?
Yes, good) and with a punch, he dismantled the muscles that hold the cheeks together so one of them (presumably the side Golola punched) is no longer a cheek.
It is a blotchy and flappy (flappy like a dog’s ears, yes I said it. I’m failing at this Christianity-moral thing) cheek that cloaks one of the eyes.
Oh, it doesn’t cloak. The eye is actually not there.
His face would scare away a reveller if he attended a boat cruise because, hell, chap looks like a pirate whose face has been bombed, cut-cut, spit on, slapped by a frying pan and stomped on by a giant Godzilla.
General wa baabi
Godfrey Baguma on the other side of the sea has deep set, well-spaced eyes. Well-spaced because the eyes are a mile or so from each other.
But that is not even close to creating the stiff competition he wields.
John Baguma is, in his words, a proud owner of a heavy thingamajig he calls a head.
Its irregular and heavy, that head. With exactly 10 kilograms, his words people, his words!
He even attacks his counterpart by saying his head can’t weigh even as half as his.
I guess we don’t have to include the fact that he limps when walking because this beauty pageant is entirely about their faces, (why the look, it’s a beauty pageant because they were created in God’s image.
Haven’t you heard of that consolation line non appealing mammals love to throw around?)
They all claim to have booming businesses in town though Senyonga, famously known as “Mayor wa baabi” has a well erected and furnished house to give a testimony that maybe, he has a lot of businesses around town.
Godfrey Baguma on the other hand claims to have businesses and rental houses but he stays in an ill-plastered one roomed muzigo (room).
He also talks like a business man and he indeed has many business ventures in the town of Kampala as he is heard talking about U.R.A taxes delaying his imported merchandise.
We hail him, problem is, these business ventures happen in his dreams.
Godfrey Baguma alias 'General wa baabi' and his wife
They both have cute wives so I won’t describe any by name. Problem is, the wives don’t look or act like they are genuine.
Their eyes are beaming with plastic-never-straight glances that dart in a thousand directions whenever they are answering a question about their relationships with these men.
They look like they are here for the money these people make because when I ask them why they love these men, the both claim they think these men are attractive. Really?!
Both are musicians by the way and they, surprisingly, have good voices.
Many band music artists would cringe in envy at their voices.
It’s just, they would puke if they looked at the faces they both make when singing love songs.
English (lingua, accent…. those things)
Oh, now this is the most hilarious of all. When told to speak English, Senyonga John a.k.a “Mayor wa baabi” lost his tongue and got a heart attack and died when asked to speak English.
Ok, I lie, but he didn’t say a word in English when asked.
He sounded like a baby struggling with his initial words.
Meanwhile Godfrey Baguma was speaking patois. He sang a song that sounded like a Karamajong teenager trying to imitate Miley Cyrus.
Or at least it seemed so. He wins this one because he concluded the English song which he sung in an alien language with the Jamaican word ‘bombo clat’.
Which was, by the way, directed at his challenger on this beauty arena.
So over to you dear readers, tell them who is uglier. They are bugging me for results.