Dr Love: Hilary Bainemigisha
You people, are bad. You waited for me to leave the country before you gave our President another term. As a result, my face was not seen among the cheering crowd and so, my prospects of a ministerial elevation may have to wait till 2021!
But I should not blame you; humans are actually a silly lot! We do not take advice! Take us, for example; before going to Zimbabwe, we sought advice from the US. They advised: “If you are planning a trip to Zimbabwe, first ask yourself: Must you go there?
Isn’t there a better place you could go to?” Good advice! So, we went there!
However, rumours that I fled the country to avoid Valentine’s Day were grossly exaggerated. Not only did you mess up political bosses, but you also disorganised your lovers on Valentine’s Day. I think I should start limiting my travels abroad!
Take for instance, the guy who annoyed my friend, Binny. You sent her a lot of flowers and chocolates, fine, but they had a problem. They were pictures! Now, posting photos of chocolates, flowers and wines on girls’ Facebook walls or Whatsapp and you think you are Valentine compliant!
Moreover, copied from someone else’s wall! When I tried to intervene, I was accused of being an absentee consultant!
In this era where Obama wags his finger at us from Washington and we start trembling!
Okay, today I want first to explain why I had gone to Zimbabwe and then bring you Valentine advice from real absentee consultants; those who are neither in Uganda nor in the love trenches with you. And you will appreciate that a doctor doesn’t have to be sick to advise you about your sickness.
So, why was I absent on Valentine’s Day? My wife will tell you that, as usual, when I am asked why I am in places other than my bedroom, I tend to tell lies. I may even link my visit to the presidential birthday today, February 21.
The people’s president, Robert Gabriel Mugabe, will be blowing his 90th candle in a fete budgeted to erode $1m (sh2.5b).
The friends I made in Harare said such a revolutionary leader’s birthday cannot be worthless especially because the US machines predicted three years ago that the old man’s prostate cancer would kill him by 2013.
As usual, silly Africans rejected the advice and the old man is notching another year in extra time!
And media houses are still falling over themselves to congratulate him. Televisions are full of happy birthday adverts with his youthful picture, probably taken half a century ago, used with carefully selected words of wisdom coming out of the picture’s mouth.
If that is what it takes to have an aged president, then we should try it. I love $1m parties.
Finally, for those who messed up Valentine’s Day, here is advice from people who have no love experience.
First in the house is a man called Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Flores in Buenos Aires, otherwise known as Pope Francis of the Roman Catholic Church. He hosted thousands of young engaged couples in St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City on Valentine’s Day.
Of course the Pontiff is not in the Movement and is not likely to know how to out-manoeuvre comrades in a Kyankwanzi bedroom.
But judging from the frequency of applause, his advice was well received. He used his own example of a lifelong commitment to celibacy to explain that while it was not easy (Had he talked to Musaala?) he had succeeded. So why wouldn’t marriages also succeed?
He said: “Don’t be afraid to marry (it seems he knows Otunnu). A faithful and fruitful marriage will bring you happiness (Zari you hear?). Living together is an art (Musumba listen). It is a patient art (Babirye), it’s a beautiful art (Kakooza), it’s fascinating.”
The second Valentine advice is from the Buddha teaching. Buddha left (abandoned should be the word but they insist on left) his wife and young child to pursue enlightenment.
So he also was not in Kyankwanzi and cannot be the best person to give advice about love. But among his
Four Noble Truths, he said we often expect others to make us happy. When they don’t live up to our expectations, we suffer. While love is one of life’s greatest joys, it can be painful when you think your happiness is another person’s responsibility.
On Valentine’s Day, we expect someone else to please us and we end up with pictures of money on our Facebook walls!
He prescribes meditation to cultivate positive mental states of love, happiness and joy that disregard real external circumstances.
Let go of longing and take charge of our own happiness. Visualise what it feels like to be happily in love.
The power of your imagination can create the experience without anything changing in the external world.
When you set your intention to be happy, you no longer require the world to meet any preconceived notion about what you need to be happy.
And when you become happier and more inspired, you attract more happiness all around us.
Over to you, Movement caucus.