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Relationships & Dating
My Valentine’s Day gift to all couplesPublish Date: Feb 07, 2014
My Valentine’s Day gift to all couples
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Sex is not the only way of showing affection. Gestures such as holding hands enhance emotional fulfilment in relationships
newvision

 By Hilary Bainemigisha

 
I am afraid that, in this article, we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner. It is, in a way, good because I do not want our MPs to fall asleep while reading it. It could also be the only way to attract Lokodo’s attention.
 
I also have a justification in the name of Valentine’s Day around the corner. So, if you know you are below 18, go and read the sports section; there are very interesting stories about Man U and its Moyes.
 
The rest, calm down. I will not bring out knives and swords; just a calm sugar-coated discussion before Valentine’s Day finds you unprepared. Very often, my clients ask me how often they should make love in order to qualify as normal.
 
Many a couple find the question of what frequency qualifies to be optimum sex crisscrossing their minds often. And my answer is very simple; I do not know. 
 
Normal, right, optimum, average, standard, etc, in sex is not a figure. It is an equilibrium of demand and supply a couple stumbles upon on their daily life together. It keeps changing because it is a function of so many factors that may also include what neighbours are lying to you.
 
 If a neighbour’s wife ever tells yours that they rock their bed five times a week, even when your wife had no problem with the once a week schedule, you will get problems. Our perception of enough is often influenced by what our peers say they are having.
 
Other factors are A up to Z. They include age, income, lifestyle, health, sex drive, privacy, Movement politics, war in South Sudan, Agataliiko Nfuufu and, most importantly, anything that happens in life.
 
One client once told me that his wife called off a bout because she said her interest got lost during Agataliiko news on TV. Yet I also know of times when the same Agataliiko fired me up with appetite!
 
Ask husbands, who support Man U; aren’t they failing to harden enough due to a one Moyes who lives 10,000 miles away? But how many rise to the occasion due to similar defeats at Old Trafford? So, reasons are varied, apply differently and confusingly.
 
In short, every couple eventually works out a personalised frequency which it finds convenient, adequate and acceptable.
 
That becomes their normal and no one outside should challenge it if the insiders are fine with it. However, it does not remain static, thanks to gravity. Overtime, it declines due to such obvious factors like age. 
The Kinsey Institute conducted a research on the sex frequency of people.
 
 
They revealed that on average, 18 to 29-year-olds have sex 112 times a year, 30 to 39-year-olds an average of 86 times and 40 to 49-year-olds an average of 69 times a year. 
 
Other factors include familiarity which erodes novelty, health problems, other life pursuits such as  career, politics and sports, which crop up over time.
 
The other common problems in couples are mismatched libidos, pressure of employment, polygamy, unmatched schedules, sports betting and unresolved conflicts. You will not believe it, but there are many couples who take six months without a single voting.
 
Even when Valentine’s Day shows up, one of them either gets too drunk or picks up a quarrel or falls too sick or finds a reason to postpone. And the other gets too proud to discuss the unresolved conflict. 
 
I know couples who are happy because they have quality sex every day and on a good day when Man U beats bottom placed Fulham 1-0 at home, they roll three times a day. Unfortunately, they exist only in fiction books of literature, movies and extravagant imaginations.
 
And if you believe their stories, you can start feeling uncomfortable with your own harvests.
 
Yet, less sex does not mean less love, happiness or fulfilment! And more sex does not imply ‘happily ever after’. In fact, for marriage, companionship, mutual respect, trust and dependability are more important.
 
However, while lack of sex does not always mean the relationship is in trouble, when the frequency drops to less than 10 times a year for an averagely youthful couple, there is serious need to investigate the possible cause and to try to reinvigorate the emotions. 
 
Either the two are pretending about their satisfaction or they are grazing offshore. It could be an unresolved problem like anger, disappointment or detachment, but it could also be a health issue like performance anxiety, impotence and vaginal dryness, which may need expert handling. 
 
My Valentine’s Day gift to all couples is a small word of advice: Do not consider sexual intercourse only as having penetrative sex.
 
Do not overlook the overwhelming emotional fulfilment that oozes out of a cuddle, a kiss, caressing and even holding hands. See? It did not hurt at all. You can now relax. Our sex gospel is ended, go forth in peace to serve the Lord.
 

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