- Most men said if their wives assaulted them, they would not report to the Police because officers make fun of them
By Hilary Bainemigisha
Today’s Sex Poll revelations are about marriage. About 800 respondents were asked about their views, appreciation and condition of their marriages. 248 responses were sampled randomly and feedback data analysed aggregately using the software known as SPSS. The poll was conducted in July.
If you are a Born-again Christian and a graduate with three children, you are most likely to define a marriage using the word wedding and even though you hate divorce, you are likely to go for it if you are battered. You would not divorce if your marriage was childless.
Rather, you would adopt children. You would advise your child to leave home as soon as he or she got a job, even if this is before marriage. You often eat and watch TV with your partner. You rarely go out together, often quarrel, but you quickly discuss and settle the issues.
These and more are the revelations from a sex survey, which relied on the self-confessed, unverified responses from the people who took part. The Saturday Vision poll did not differentiate between legal, illegitimate marriages and cohabitation. Whoever considered himslf married was believed to be so.
WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE?
Graphic by Dan Nsereko
Often, we do not agree on when a relationship becomes a marriage. Forty four percent said a marriage begins once the parents of both individuals recognise it as such.
A total of 26% said it began at the wedding, 20% said as soon as children are born, 8% want marriage to begin as soon as the bride price is paid and 3% said it begins when a couple has cohabited for five years.
The survey revealed differences in opinion among religions. While all overwhelmingly want marriage to begin after parental recognition, the Born-again and Anglicans want it after a wedding, Catholics after children and Muslims after bride price. Indeed, Muslim marriages are sealed by mahri. More women believed marriage began with a wedding and more men said it is with children.
WHEN SHOULD YOU LEAVE PARENTS’ HOME?
In many traditions, sons vacate their parents’ homes as soon as they become adolescents, while girls leave only for marriage. However, modernity has brought in many variables, as our survey revealed.
Overall, 48% said you should leave as soon as you get a job, 24% said after getting a certificate that can earn you a job, 24% after marriage and 4% thought it should be after accumulating enough money.
WHEN SHOULD A HUSBAND INTRODUCE A CHILD BORN OUTSIDE MARRIAGE TO HIS WIFE?
Children born out of wedlock are always a thorn in the marriage, right from when to announce it to the wife. Seventy three percent agreed it was best to declare as soon as the couple start discussing marriage, but 12% opined that it was safer to declare after the first year of marriage. Six percent said it should be timed after the wife has had her own child.
The rest, 3%, tied at making the announcement during the honeymoon, only when caught, just before the wedding and keeping it a secret forever.
Those who voted to keep it a secret forever were mostly Banyoro. Bafumbira, Madi and Baganda said you should confess only when caught. Twenty percent Born-again said repent only after the wife has had her own child(ren), while 3% of Catholics said never repent.
WHEN SHOULD A WIFE INTRODUCE A CHILD BORN OUTSIDE MARRIAGE TO HER HUSBAND?
When it came to a woman, the opinions changed. More people thought wives should never confess. Bagisu want to know during the honeymoon, Banyoro in the first year of the marriage and Banyankole, Iteso and Baganda would prefer not to know.
Overall, 77% would prefer that the woman tells her man as soon as they start discussing marriage, 9% say in the first year, 5% after she has had her own children with her husband, 3% tied on the announcement during the honeymoon and not mentioning it at all. Two percent said it was safer just before the wedding and 1%, only when caught.
For the Born-again, 10% advised that a wife should never tell her husband about her other children, 3% Anglicans said she should confess only when caught and 13% Muslims said she should wait till she has had children with her husband.
YOUR PARTNER IS NOT ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN
Children are an integral part of marriage and family and traditional marriages, often defined what a marriage was. Today, when a marriage becomes childless, the couple faces tremendous pressure from within and out to do something about it.
Thirty nine percent of our respondents advised such a couple to adopt children, 35% said it was better to remain in the marriage and support each other, 24% advised the fertile partner to get another and 2% suggested divorce.
Respondents who support marrying again came from the Bagisu, Banyoro, Lugbar and Iteso. Adopting children is apparently not popular among the Bagisu, Madi, Lugbar and Iteso.
Thirty two percent Catholics, 17% Anglicans and 38% Muslims said they would marry again if their partner proved infertile.
The only respondents, who advocated for divorce in such circumstances, were in the 20-30 age group. The most popular female solution is to adopt children, while the most popular among men is to remain and support an infertile wife.
WHEN SHOULD YOU DIVORCE?
Graphic by Brian Sekamatte
Divorce is dissolution of the marriage, a sad and painful conclusion. Many cultures, religions and laws do not agree on the reasons that should constitute enough grounds for divorce.
From the survey, 24% said infidelity should be a reason for divorce, 18% split their vote between incest and testing HIV-positive. 13% said after battering, 3% split between infertility and when the partner is convicted of corruption, while 1% said poverty is enough reason.
However, 20% swore that they would never divorce no matter the reason; 23% were women and 18%, men. The most popular reason for divorce among men is infidelity, while for women, it is finding out that you are related (incest).
Women also voted overwhelmingly for battering to be enough reason while men added a partner’s HIV status. Women respondents did not list infidelity and corruption among the reasons for divorce and men did not include poverty.
Jopadhola, Alur, Samia and Baganda said they cannot divorce their partners Bafumbira, Langi, Lugbar, Acholi, Bakiga and Banyankole gave infidelity as their main reason, Bagisu and Banyoro gave acquisition of HIV and Basoga said as soon as they find out that they are related (incest), they would break the marriage.
WHY SHOULD YOU BATTER YOUR PARTNER?
Generally, most respondents insisted that there is no justification for beating a partner. 71% said they would never do it. However, 14% said they would, in case of infidelity, 7% after public humiliation, 5% for insubordination and 3% for telling lies.
Among those who said they can beat their partners, Langi mentioned lies as the main cause, while for Baganda, Banyoro, Acholi and Iteso it is infidelity.
Banyankole said they would beat their partners for insubordination, lies, public humiliation and infidelity, while Bakiga said they would fight over all the said reasons, except infidelity!
Almost all respondents (88%) said there was no physical violence in their homes. 12% said they suffer it, sometimes. After a nasty quarrel, 46% say they discuss it and settle, 22% say they do not sleep before settling it, 17% said they ignore and carry on with life, 12% sulk and 3% talk to others about it.
The respondents, whose favourite response is sulking, were Jopadhola, Bafumbira, Langi, Bagisu, Banyoro, Acholi, Iteso and Bakiga. Basoga will tell others about it.
After domestic violence, women prefer to take refuge at relatives’ homes, but men will run to friends for fear that it may give a bad impression among relatives.
Overall, 69% women will run to relatives and 58% men to friends, but only 9% will go to Police (6% men and 13% women) because they do not have confidence that they will get help. Men complained that they are humiliated because the Police makes fun of them as they handle their cases.
THE SEX POLL SERIES
Sex Poll: Most men want sex on the first date if outing goes well
Sex Poll: Men, women clash on size, fornication
Sex Poll: Baganda most romantic, Banyankole most arrogant tribe