I have a friend called Thaddeus who is a remorselessly awful driver. He has an Ipsum, as they, most terrible drivers do. He cuts into lanes, he drives with his headlights bright enough to beam morse code to Mars, he overtakes as if he is sure he is on the Los Angeles Expressway as seen in Die Hard the movie and not on a narrow string of road in Ntinda and wait...
I realise that the nuisance level of such behaviour is only apparent to other motorists and a few of my readers still travel by the good old Public Transport System (PTS). If you are one of those people, Pretty Tough Stool (PTS again). Take it as given, then, that Thaddeus has one of those Ipsums which will probably run you over and break your limbs this year.
One day, he was pulled over by a Police officer as he careened down a hill. He had been moving at roughly the velocity of lightning. I was in the passenger seat expecting to, at any moment, break the sound barrier. I may have been imagining things, but I suspect that we overtook a couple of bats that had just flown out of hell.
Then a Policeman, a sudden flash of brilliant white, appeared by the side of the road, waving an arm. The reason the arm of the law is so long is to make sure it is visible even to people moving this fast.
Thaddeus somehow managed to come to a halt without ripping the fabric of time and space. He rolled down his window and bared his yellow teeth at the Policeman.
I should explain that Thaddeus is not a nice person. No. He is Uganda’s most Profound Turd Spillway (PTS). He does not have kindness, patience or the time to learn them.
Thaddeus said: “Okay, okay. I know. I know. I was moving at perhaps a few centimetres per second above your so-called speed limit. I presume you will now want to threaten me with fines and imprisonment, maybe suggest that you shall impound my Ipsum.
You are going to swagger around, thumbs tucked into your belt, chewing gum. You shall expect me to grovel a little bit. I am used to this whole charade because, as you see, I drive an Ipsum. Now, I don’t think I need to underscore this, but you should have noticed that I am in a bit of a hurry...”
The Policeman said: “Do you know why I have stopped you?” It is apparently procedure for them to ask this question to traffic offenders.
Thaddeus said: “As I was saying, I am in a hurry. I don’t have time to play games which have no point. Let us just get straight to the part where you solicit a bribe. I am ready to pay it.
Then we can both go about our business. I can make it to the bar in time for the match, and you can continue harassing other traffic offenders. There are going to be at least four other Ipsums passing down this road in a few moments. So, what is the going rate?
How much should I give you in exchange for your integrity?”
The Policeman said: “Are you trying to offer me a bribe?”
Thaddeus said: “ ‘Trying’ is a redundant word in that question.”
I will stop here because I cannot be seen to be condoning corruption. Just know that some corruption happened.