By Vicky Wandawa
There are ladies out there, whose resolutions for the New Year include finding that better half to settle down with. Well, before you narrow your search to that person; doing a background check about his past may give you a glimpse into whether or not he is the right man.
50 and never been married
A 40-year-old man who has never been married, just might be still trying to find some one, just like you are.
However, often, a 50-year-old man who has never been married, might not be a good catch for you because chances are he is afraid of commitment or even has a problem he would rather not share.
Joy Tumwesigye, a marital counsellor and accountant with Uganda Prisons says: “A 50-year-old man who has never been married might have sexual problems, and hence has no confidence to woo a woman. So, he keeps to himself. Secondly, he may have weird characters that no woman has been able to stand.”
“He could be the kind that loves dodging responsibility,”she adds.
Hence, should you keep your eyes on him, and he certainly has something to hide, or is not upright, do not expect a proposal any time soon.
He always dated much younger ladies
Perhaps you do a background check and alas! All his ex girlfriends are 20 or even more years younger than he is. Tumwesigye warns that such a man is likely to be in denial of his age and hence have commitment issues.
“Being in denial of his age might mean that even when he is sixty and married to you, he is likely to continue going for women half his age to satisfy his ego,” she says.
He has been cheated on by ex-girlfriend/wife
Joseph Musalo, a counsellor and lecturer at Uganda Christian University, Mukono notes that a man who has been cheated on in the past will most likely have trust issues.
“He may have trouble opening up to future girlfriends for fear of getting his heart broken again,” he says.
Musalo further warns that due to suspicion that he will be cheated on again, he is likely to have control issues.
“Do not be shocked when he asks to, or stealthily reads through your text messages, and incessantly calls just to find out where you are.”
He advises that such a man should be counselled or else he will live with mistrust.
According to Musalo, it may take up to a year for such a person to heal. When you find out that he just broke up after being cheated on, give it time.
He is divorced
“First understand why he and his wife opted to divorce,” Tumwesigye advises.
Do not be fooled into ‘sweet’ talk and promises of endless love and you walk ‘blindly’ into the relationship. You need to understand why the divorce took place. Make your private investigations, do not solely rely on the reasons he gives you.
Tumwesigye also notes that while there is nothing wrong with getting married to a divorcee, you need to make sure he was not responsible for the divorce and incase he was, can you handle that which made his first wife flee?
“Otherwise, you might be the next divorcee,” she warns.
She also adds that for a man who has divorced more than once; it is a sign that perhaps he cannot sustain a marriage.
“Surely it cannot be that all women are bad to him!” says Tumwesigye.
He has cheated
Musalo notes that while his past infidelity does not mean he will cheat on you, find out why he strayed in a previous relationship.
If he has not addressed his reason for cheating, there is a chance it will happen again, this time, you being the victim!
He is widowed
First, Tumwesigye advises that you should find out what caused his wife’s death. However, his word should not be taken as the utmost truth unless you have done your own research.
She also advises that since HIV/AIDS is rampant today, and even if a man is not a widower, it is a vital for both of you to take a test before taking the relationship to another level.
“Did the woman leave any children behind? Are you ready to take care of children who are not your own? If you are, then go ahead.”
You should also consider the fact that he may not yet have healed from the loss of his wife.
The last thing you need is to get into a serious relationship with him, only to discover that you are competing to replace his wife.
Tumwesigye says men take a shorter time to recover from the loss of loved ones, unlike women who may take even four years.
“If a widower approached you for a serious relationship less than two years after the death of his wife, most likely he has not yet healed from the loss,” she warns.