Nurturing love in polygamy
Mar 16, 2007
Winners of our intimate quiz raffle, Dan Kiwanuka and his wife Madinah Nassolo, went for dinner at Kyoto Japanese Restaurant. Their marriage of 16 years has produced three children. Hilary Bainemigisha and Jamesa Wagwau talked to them about relationships
Winners of our intimate quiz raffle, Dan Kiwanuka and his wife Madinah Nassolo, went for dinner at Kyoto Japanese Restaurant. Their marriage of 16 years has produced three children. Hilary Bainemigisha and Jamesa Wagwau talked to them about relationships
MADINAH
QUESTION: What tricks have kept you afloat for 16 years?
It is always better for a woman to know what your husband wants. Then he will also respect what you want. Respect him and your inlaws and if the inlaws do not love you back, do not fight them. Leave it all to your husband, he will play his part and pacify both sides.
How have you handled the polygamous marriage?
I got used to it. Naturally, there is jealousy, but it has to be controlled because society won’t understand you. But polygamy is not good. It is a sure road to all sorts of big problems for the home; financial, emotional, physical conflict, motivational problems, name it.
Are there no advantage you have reaped from polygamy?
Which advantage? Maybe the man. It may be helping him, not me. You can never get used to sharing a man. But I cannot leave my husband. There are many issues to consider. After all, all men are like that. As long as he has not ordered me out of his home and he caters for me, I will be his wife.
What would you do if you found him with another woman?
I would only make sure they see me. I cannot fight in public, I have my dignity. I cannot even abuse the girl; she was approached and convinced by the man. The problem is always with the man. I would wait for him to return home and then I would ask him.
16 years down the road, what would make you divorce him?
Maybe if he ordered me out of his life. Or if he changed his personality, which I doubt he will. He has never beaten me and I do not think he will.
The most fragile times of any marriage is before five months; you are testing each other, have childish expectations and a loose tongue. When you survive them, you can be safe.
DAN
QUESTION: How did you meet?
She was a vendor in St. Balikuddembe Market in the turbulent times of 1986. It was tough, especially with the war, but we would still spare time and meet over the weekends. In 1989, she moved in with me. We rented a house in Makindye and later bought a plot in Kyengera, where we live todate. Settling down with her was a great challenge because I already had another wife with children, when I met her.
Opening up political space?
(laughter) Yeah. But you see, it wasn’t my wish. I first married in 1980, but the war separated me from my first wife. I came to Kampala, while she stayed with the children. The times were tough and it was during those lonely days that I met Madinah. After the war, I broke the news to my first wife. She did not receive Madinah well. We kept quarrelling, but I had made a decision.
Was Madinah disturbed?
No. I do not think so. She had also separated from her husband and she was aware that I was married. Madinah is a Muslim and being a co-wife is no big deal.
How have you managed to handle two wives?
It is quite challenging. I am not highly-educated, but my leadership role in St. Balikuddembe Market has helped me to understand people. I have learnt how to transfer the same leadership skills into my home.
Would you encourage fellow men to marry more wives?
(Shakes his head in disapproval) No, no, never. It is the worst of all experiences. It wasn’t my wish and I wouldn’t advise any man to have more than one wife. It has raised so much hell for my family. My children do not like each other. I even wonder what would happen if I died tomorrow. Would my family still remain united? I am working hard to ensure that each of my wives has her own property to minimise wrangles.
What would you do if you discovered that Madinah is secretly
meeting her ex-husband?
We would separate. I fear HIV and I wouldn’t tolerate those games in a relationship. I do not think I would marry another woman again because the cost of having more children can make one mad.
What is the most memorable romantic moment you have had with Madinah?
(Brief silence) The day she told me that she was pregnant, I was very excited. It was proof that she loved me and was ready to carry my baby.
Any tips to young couples?
In marriage, we only count the years we have finished successfully. You never talk about the coming years because you can never know what will come tomorrow.
MADINAH
QUESTION: What tricks have kept you afloat for 16 years?
It is always better for a woman to know what your husband wants. Then he will also respect what you want. Respect him and your inlaws and if the inlaws do not love you back, do not fight them. Leave it all to your husband, he will play his part and pacify both sides.
How have you handled the polygamous marriage?
I got used to it. Naturally, there is jealousy, but it has to be controlled because society won’t understand you. But polygamy is not good. It is a sure road to all sorts of big problems for the home; financial, emotional, physical conflict, motivational problems, name it.
Are there no advantage you have reaped from polygamy?
Which advantage? Maybe the man. It may be helping him, not me. You can never get used to sharing a man. But I cannot leave my husband. There are many issues to consider. After all, all men are like that. As long as he has not ordered me out of his home and he caters for me, I will be his wife.
What would you do if you found him with another woman?
I would only make sure they see me. I cannot fight in public, I have my dignity. I cannot even abuse the girl; she was approached and convinced by the man. The problem is always with the man. I would wait for him to return home and then I would ask him.
16 years down the road, what would make you divorce him?
Maybe if he ordered me out of his life. Or if he changed his personality, which I doubt he will. He has never beaten me and I do not think he will.
The most fragile times of any marriage is before five months; you are testing each other, have childish expectations and a loose tongue. When you survive them, you can be safe.
DAN
QUESTION: How did you meet?
She was a vendor in St. Balikuddembe Market in the turbulent times of 1986. It was tough, especially with the war, but we would still spare time and meet over the weekends. In 1989, she moved in with me. We rented a house in Makindye and later bought a plot in Kyengera, where we live todate. Settling down with her was a great challenge because I already had another wife with children, when I met her.
Opening up political space?
(laughter) Yeah. But you see, it wasn’t my wish. I first married in 1980, but the war separated me from my first wife. I came to Kampala, while she stayed with the children. The times were tough and it was during those lonely days that I met Madinah. After the war, I broke the news to my first wife. She did not receive Madinah well. We kept quarrelling, but I had made a decision.
Was Madinah disturbed?
No. I do not think so. She had also separated from her husband and she was aware that I was married. Madinah is a Muslim and being a co-wife is no big deal.
How have you managed to handle two wives?
It is quite challenging. I am not highly-educated, but my leadership role in St. Balikuddembe Market has helped me to understand people. I have learnt how to transfer the same leadership skills into my home.
Would you encourage fellow men to marry more wives?
(Shakes his head in disapproval) No, no, never. It is the worst of all experiences. It wasn’t my wish and I wouldn’t advise any man to have more than one wife. It has raised so much hell for my family. My children do not like each other. I even wonder what would happen if I died tomorrow. Would my family still remain united? I am working hard to ensure that each of my wives has her own property to minimise wrangles.
What would you do if you discovered that Madinah is secretly
meeting her ex-husband?
We would separate. I fear HIV and I wouldn’t tolerate those games in a relationship. I do not think I would marry another woman again because the cost of having more children can make one mad.
What is the most memorable romantic moment you have had with Madinah?
(Brief silence) The day she told me that she was pregnant, I was very excited. It was proof that she loved me and was ready to carry my baby.
Any tips to young couples?
In marriage, we only count the years we have finished successfully. You never talk about the coming years because you can never know what will come tomorrow.