Beautiful Olga had a problem. Her skin developed rashes of no ordinary kind soon after her marriage. She took allergy drugs to no avail.
It was one smart doctor who came to her rescue. Her problem, he said, was because she was not farting enough!
The doctor explained that dangerous acids and gases (toxins) released from digestion are supposed to be quickly expelled through the anal outlet. But because Olga had put a road block there, her digestive system would get clogged and the toxins would be reabsorbed into the blood stream pending elimination from the body through the skin. But that was overloading the skin, hence developing acne and rashes.
In our culture, it was unconstitutional for a woman to fart in her husbandâ€™s presence! And if your woman farted during sex, you would prepare for grave misfortunes for the next two weeks. Olga must have missed out on what girls preparing to marry were taught. They had to know which foods had mild exhaust fumes and even then, to develop a high skill of hash-kitting the buttocks to mute the sound (okuseereeza). That was not as easy as it sounds bearing in mind that Banyankore women were broad-based.
Even then, it took Olga lots of guts and will-power to begin farting at will in their marital bed. And her skin problem stopped.
Actually, you can tell a relationshipâ€™s stage of development by the ease in which partners fart in each otherâ€™s presence. Remember that time you had just met, how you could tighten your rear end to stifle that developing fart preferring to suffer stomach discomfort for the sake of diplomatic immacuracy? It just comes natural for new lovers.
Everyone farts including you who is frowning. But at a young and fragile stage of a love, there is an unconscious urge to present yourself as innocent and pure. All farting becomes strictly private unless betrayed by a foul pollution or that high pitch mosquito sound as you try unsuccessfully to squeeze the exhaust nozzle shut. It can cause a sudden cease-fire, especially if Beloved has ingested dry bean left-over sauce!
But the minute they get married, the chemical bombs start dropping. My ex told me that her husband has a magnificent anal sphincter that does some 25 farts per night, without fail, fear or favour.
Oh my goodness, must I write about this?
I am not the first. Dr Michael Levitt has been researching farts for many years â€“ back since 1970 and he is informally known as â€œThe King Of Gasâ€. He even argued that analysis of the flatus gas composition could provide valuable clues to a patientâ€™s diagnosis.
In 1997, Terry Bolin and the nutritionist, Rosemary Stanton, released their study results in a ground-breaking book, Wind Breaks. They said the average number of farts for women was about seven per day, but 12 for men because men eat more food than women.
They also discovered that while women tend to pass flatus only when they were in the privacy of their bathroom or toilet, men are much less inhibited. They said people prefer male farts because they tend to be aromatic. This, they said, is because men eat more spices and more compounds that contain sulphur (such as are present in meat). This was backed, in a research a year later, by Drs. F. L. Suarez, J. Springfield and M. D. Levitt from the Minneapolis Veterans Affairs Medical Centre. They discovered that womenâ€™s farts had higher concentration of the offensive hydrogen sulphide. All the judges they used gave women the gold medal at mothering significantly worse odour. However, men generated a greater volume of gas per passage to compensate for the men's lower concentration. But donâ€™t worry ladies, the sample size was very small after all.
However, you must choose between skin problems and exploding several, in his presence. Just pray he doesnâ€™t take off.