By Jamesa Wagwau

Telling lies has remained a daunting challenge to many parents. Many of them wonder how best to handle a child who is entrenched in this habit. Dr. Kyle Pruett, a psychologist in Why Kids Lie, says lying is rarely a problem but a symptom. Since all human behaviour is purposeful, you need to get to the bottom of the habit first before condemning the child.

What is the child trying to achieve?
Psychologists describe lying as a form of ‘punishment-avoidant behaviour’. It is often aimed at helping the child avoid the consequences of his behaviour. Children are different and their lies are motivated by different circumstances and needs:

Fear of punishment: This happens with parents who punish children harshly without listening to the child’s side of the story. These children use lies as an escape route from the parent’s wrath.

Modelling adults: As James Baldwin once wrote, ‘children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.’ Many children learn the habit of telling lies by listening to adult liars. Your home should be a sanctuary of truth at all times if it is to bear fruits of honesty. Punishing your child for telling lies when you are a liar yourself is pure hypocrisy. Make telling the truth a priority both in instruction and by example.

How to deal with lies
Punishment is not an effective tool because many children lie to avoid being punished. The fear that punishment cultivates might motivate the child to tell lies in future to avoid further punishment. The child might also associate the punishment not with lying but with ‘being found out.’ This will motivate the child to find new ways of concealing the truth. If you must punish, use punishment as the last option not the first reaction.

Keep the lines of communication open. Allow room for negotiation, compromise, listening before accusing. Sometimes the child may be embarrassed or sensitive about telling the truth. Acknowledge those feelings but insist on knowing the truth. Do not portray the image of a monster, or tyrant who waits with a huge stick.

Since lying is always a byproduct of other feelings, focus on the roots. Explore the child’s fears and discuss the benefits of honesty. Teenagers sometimes use lies to cover up a serious problem like drug or alcohol problem. Reacting harshly might only escalate the child’s fears hence perpetuating lies.

If a young child or adolescent develops a repetitive pattern of lying, seek the help of a professional counsellor. Remember, honesty is not just behaviour but a lifetime virtue which can only be acquired at home. You need to help your child to hate lies not just to fear the punishment that lying brings.
The writer is a counsellor