Gen. Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda.
Thru: Amelia Kyambadde
Dear Mr. President,
RE: Purchase of Lake Victoria
Greetings from the people of Nebbi. How are the kids? What about Mama Janet? I believe they are all ballistic as usual. Now Kaguta, I have a deal, where I need your go ahead. Please don’t tell anyone lest guys in the media learn about it and blow it out of proportion.
I know you are in the business of giving away prime property to investors. You gave away Shimoni and even UTV to some dwanzies. You almost gave away the Dairy Corporation, but you discovered those chaps were paying only one dollar instead of one million dollars! Anyway, that’s not the issue. The issue is, I want to buy Lake Victoria. I swear unlike the Sudanese, I will pay for it. I have arranged cheque number 2345678 from Greenland Bank to sort out this deal.
I know you are wondering why Lake Victoria of all places, but let me assure you that we guys who have money are never taken round in circles. When I want Lake Victoria, it has to be that and nothing else. I mean, If I have come to kwana you, why are you telling me that you have a cuter sister?
Mr. President, Lake Victoria is of no value to the people of Uganda. First of all, it’s drying up at a very high rate that Ugandans have resorted to drinking water from the Rwenzori and using candles. I have teamed up with some buddies from Kaduna in Nigeria and we plan to develop the lake to first-class world standards. Our consortium, AGABI Ltd, is headquartered on the Internet and I promise that if you avail us this lake, we shall wait for it to dry up, then put up a very ballistic hotel!
My partners boast of vast experience in third world investments. One of them, Mr. Olusegon Obafemi, is the brain behind the world famous 419 Scam that keeps the CIA on their toes. The other chap, Mr. Patrick Oyulu, is such a great investor that he deposited a ka little something inside someone and today, he has a bouncing baby boy. As you can see, my team is of powerful businessmen and to sweeten it even more, the majority shareholders in this consortium are Ugandans. So you will be giving back to your people!
Mr. President, I know you are wondering what will happen to the people who have been consuming this water. Well, we have plans for that. We shall sell water to wanainchi at a very minimal price. We shall also sell water to National Water at a very minimal price. We shall have a barter deal with the breweries and give them water in exchange for beer. We shall also sell fish to Ugandans at a very minimal price!
Mr. President, I know you are smiling and you are going to sell us Lake Victoria, but before you do that, is it also possible to buy the rights over the rains that fall in Uganda. With this, we would maximise our grip on the water sources in this country and we would employ thousands of Ugandans to collect this water – they call it creating employment!
Mr. President, I hope after this deal is sealed, we should be able to buy State Lodge Nakasero and State House Entebbe and that house in Rwakitura.
We also want to put hotels there. I have the conviction that we can employ about 27 Ugandans in total!
I will call you next week to discuss this further. Otherwise, feel free to call me on 0752 445367,
Sincerely, Saggy
CC: Moses Byaruhanga
CC: Dr. Maggie Kigozi

The writer is executive
director
Bullseye! Creative. www.bullseyecreative.co.ug